My Precious Little Boys
Please forgive your momma. I am beyond lost and need you to help me find my way. I created this blog to write letters to you and to share my feelings and here I am struggling to do just that. It amazes me how difficult this really is. Not just losing you, i knew that would be beyond the hardest thing I have ever gone through, but how hard it is just to express my feelings outside of my head, even when it is just to the two of you. I talk to you all the time, but its secret and safe inside my head and doesnt make me feel as crazy as I do when it is written out on paper. Everyone says I am allowed to be crazy and justified in my feelings, but I have never felt this lost before and even though I do think it is justified, it is hard to imagine the road back to "normal". Some days I feel ok. I have gone several days without crying and having a "bad day" but then other days it just hits me.
Last week it was 2 months since your birth. I cant believe that you have been gone from my arms and from my world for that long already. Part of me is glad that time is moving quickly, because the quicker eternity comes and I can hold you both in my arms again, the better!!! But part of me is sad at the little progress I have made in two months. I know two months is not a lot of time, but i still feel as lost as the day i lost you both! I am trying though, I promise I am.... I am just not getting very far yet.
Today some news came that let a little glimmer of light shine through the immense clouds that have hung in my heart for the past few months. I definitely have mixed feelings, but the greatest feeling I have is gratitude.... gratitude for a loving Heavenly Father, whom I know despite everything that has happened, does love me and does have a plan for me, even though that plan is not what I had planned. I am hoping that this news will help me to start to be able to take baby steps forward toward healing, but I know will also fill my heart with more anxiety, and confusion as well. Help me little ones. Help me to find the light, and to focus on that rather than the doom and gloom that surrounds me. I know that you are in a much better place. i know that you are free from the evils, pains and heartaches of this world and for that I am grateful. I hope that you will help our family to heal and to move forward. Help me find peace, so I can find you. Until that day, I will always be your mama and will always be dreaming of you. I love you boys so much!
Love
Mom
