your due date

My precious ones.  Today was your due date.  It was a hard day without you, but you were never supposed to come on this day.  Even if you had not had all the complications, just by being twins, you would have come early, the doctors had originally said some time in February or before, so i think that gave some consolation today.  But today was very much a reminder again of what I am missing and what I am longing so dearly for.  We have already lost another baby since you two which makes 5 little ones that could have come and blessed our home.  The other 3 were very early miscarriages, so i am not sure if those spirits belong to our family like you sweet boys, (but i bet you do) but they were still opportunities missed and opportunities that i wish would have been positve ones rather than sad ones.  We continue to hope and pray that we will have the blessing of having your sweet brothers and sisters join our family and stay in our home.  We know that you are looking out for them, and hopefully us.  I am trying little ones to find peace some how.  I think it is slowly coming.  Some days i am doing really good (or at least am busy enough to feel that way) and some days i am really sad and lonely, and others i am still very angry at what feels like injustice and an unfair situation.  I know that I am blessed well beyond what I deserve, and i know that my trials have been relatively few compared to that of many others, but seeing how easy children come to others and knowing how desperately I wanted you, its hard not to think its not fair.... but little ones, I am trying.   Please know that even though I have a very long road before I get there, I am trying to take a step at a time and move forward, but i will forever be longing for you.  I love you boys with all my heart!  Please help your poor mama.