Happy Birthday Ethan and Tommy

It is hard to believe that it has already been a year since we lost our sweet boys.  The days approaching their first birthday were incredibly difficult ones as we prepared to celebrate their memory. Eldon and I decorated their plot.  Because it was December it was important that they have a Christmas tree and gifts, but we also needed the balloons for all to know it was their birthday.  On their big day, we a balloon release in their honor.  "Sending our love to Heaven".  In good Seals' family fashion it became a competition to see whose balloon could reach Heaven first.  It was actually quite sweet and entertaining and definitely lifted the somber mood.

Following the balloon release, family and friends joined us for dinner at our home. It was a very sweet day and I am incredibly grateful for everyone who supported us, both on Ethan and Tommy's birthday and over the past year.  The love and support we received has made all the difference in the world to us, and we know that we are truly blessed with incredibly people in our lives.  Thank you to everyone and Happy Birthday to my sweet darlings!

We walk to remember you

A Walk to Remember

By: Tim and Julie Smith

We walk to remember the steps you've never taken

and all the memories that might have been.

And we grieve the loss of you, O child of our dreams
and long to heal the ache that's deep within.

We ask the Lord to lead us to trust and gratitude...

and acknowledge that we'll never be apart.
We'll treasure the gift and the grace of your life
For we'll always hold you in our hearts
We'll always hold you in our hearts.

Misti and the Kiddos and my sweet friend Nicole came out to support us and our babies today.

This morning, Banner Desert Hospital (the hospital where we delivered our precious stillborn twin baby boys) hosted a Walk to Remember.  This was a walk to remember the steps these sweet little babies would never take.  It was a very sweet memorial.  There was a fabulous turn out, which made me a bit sad because it meant there were so many other families that were grieving just like us.  We were very grateful for the family and friends that came out to support us, and for the support we were receiving from afar.  

So many balloons! It was an amazing sight!

My sweet friend Chari and her son Weston (who was one of my babies when I worked for Easter Seals) came to walk with us. Thanks!

Getting ready to walk.  So many beautiful white balloons.

We walked a quick mile around the neighborhood, and then came back to the amphitheater for a memorial service.  They allowed any parents that wanted to share a poem, story, or song in remembrance of the children they had lost.  They then presented each family with a small memorial gift.  We then had a balloon release sending our love to our babies in Heaven.  It was an incredibly sweet memorial and I am really glad that we were able to be a part of it

Sending all our love to Heaven.  You will always be in our hearts!

Memorial

It is amazing to me how fast time flies by!  It has almost been a year since we lost our sweet little twin boys, Ethan and Tommy.  Because the first anniversary of thier death is fast approaching, we have been discussing how we planned to celebrate and remember them.  We have decided on 3 small things and would like to invite our family and friends to participate if they so desire.  Please do not feel obligated to assist or attend.  We are very open about the loss of our babies and like to be surrounded by our loved ones during difficult times and would like to allow others to remember with us.

1. While I was in the hospital delivering our precious babies, the bereavement program at the hospital provided us with an abundance of gifts and momentos to take home and remember the boys.  This was done through generous donations to the program in an effort to prevent any woman/family who was not going to be taking their baby home from feeling empty handed.  When women go to the hospital and deliver a heathy baby, not only do they get to take home a beautiful child, but they are generally overwhelmed with the out pouring of love and gifts from family, friends and even the hospital.  When a mother does not give birth to a healthy child, whether because of miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death, this out pouring is not always present and she also has to endure the heartache of leaving the hospital without her baby.  During the next two months, we will be collecting items to make a donation in Ethan and Tommy's name to the bereavement program of the Banner Desert hospital. We realize that times are tough right now for many people, so if you are not able to participate in this, that is just fine. Even if we are only able to help one mother, that is one more that will feel that she is not alone and that someone cared for her, as other's cared for me during our difficult delivery.  Any dontations of items or money to purchase items would be greatly appreciated.  We will be making the donation on Friday, December 3rd.  Items being collected include the following:

• boxes (such as photo boxes, gift boxes, etc.)
• journals
• pens/pencils
• candles
• picture frames
• photo albums
• disposable cameras
• small scrapbooks (that pictures and names and details can be added later)
• small stuffed animals
• small recieving blankets
• Beanies/hats
• booties/socks
• poems
• music
• bath/relaxation products
• lotions
• baby lotion
• kleenex
• hair bows/headbands (for baby girls)
• Any other baby memento/trinket
• baby jewlrey

**Many of the babies may not be full term, so item sizes can vary from new born/infant to premie and even smaller.**

2. On Friday, December 3rd, our boys' birthday, we will be doing a  balloon release at their grave site.  The boys are buried at the City of Mesa Cemetary in Mesa.  If you would like to travel with us, we will be leaving our home between 4:15 and 4:30.  We will be meeting at the cemetary at 5pm and once everyone has arrived we will "send our love to heaven" to the boys by releasing balloons.  Everyone is encouraged to bring a balloon with either a message to the boys or a goal or improvement you will try to work on for the next year in their honor. 

3. Following the balloon release, everyone is invited back to our home for a BBQ to celebrate our eternal family.  Please RSVP for this part so i know how much food to have to feed everyone. 

We hope that everyone is doing well and that you know of our love and gratitude for each of you.  Our friends and family have been a huge part of healing during this difficult trial in our lives and we are grateful for each part you have played.   

Love

Eldon and Stefani

Stefani Larson has shared a Mixbook with you...

Currently: 19 pages 0 contributors 153 photos

Stefani Larson has shared a book with you: Born still and still in our hearts We've decided our story was important to tell, so we thought we would share how we are telling it. We hope you enjoy it. Love Eldon and Stef P.S. Can't click the link? Try this one: http://www.mixbook.com/photo-books/baby/born-still-and-still-in-our-hearts-4889666?key=a57f193180a28f2cfcb5e554f869067b8ecf2e57&siid=1284295&utm_campaign=share_project&utm_medium=email&utm_source=MixbookMailer

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My Darling boys....

My sweet babies resting place

This is Ethan's Shadow Box

This is Tommy's Shadow Box

It has been a while since my last letter to you.  I am so sorry. I intended to write so much more, but have found even that to be difficult.  I have wanted so desperately to reach out, to hold you and rock you and tell you both how much i love you so, but these letters have only made the burden feel real.  I have been desperately seeking answers to my prayers and ways to strengthen my faith that i might not be overtaken by depression.  I think you would and hope you are proud of me.  I am doing better.  While my arms and my heart still and will forever ache for you, i am beginning to find ways to accept Heavenly Father's will.  While i will never understand at least in this life, why i couldnt keep you, i am trying to understand that my Father in Heaven has a plan, and a plan of happiness for me and for all his children.  I hope so much that i can get that through my thick skull, that i can find a way to be faithful and to be obedient so i can gain the promises of having you once again.  I cannot believe it has been 9 months already since i held you both in my arms. i am both amazed and saddened by how quickly time is passing.  it seams like only yesterday and at the same time, it seems like forever ago.  It has taken me a very long time to be able to do the things i have wanted to do to memorialize your brief little life.  I still have much more that i have not been able to bring myself to do yet, but we have been able to get your beautiful headstone completed.  i went to visit you last week.  The grass has grown in around your headstone.  it is beginning to look beautfiul rather than muddy and dirty.  I am grateful for the landscapers that have taken care of your plot.  I only wish i could take care of you.  I have also been working on your shadow boxes.  I am pleased to say i have completed them, but i think i will always want to make it better.  I just dont think i can do justice to love, and fondness i feel for you both.  I love you boys so much!  I miss you desperately and i hope that you know how much you mean to me.  I look forward to day when i can hold you both in my arms.  What a cherished and happy day that will be!  Please help your momma.  I am doing  better, but i need you!

your due date

My precious ones.  Today was your due date.  It was a hard day without you, but you were never supposed to come on this day.  Even if you had not had all the complications, just by being twins, you would have come early, the doctors had originally said some time in February or before, so i think that gave some consolation today.  But today was very much a reminder again of what I am missing and what I am longing so dearly for.  We have already lost another baby since you two which makes 5 little ones that could have come and blessed our home.  The other 3 were very early miscarriages, so i am not sure if those spirits belong to our family like you sweet boys, (but i bet you do) but they were still opportunities missed and opportunities that i wish would have been positve ones rather than sad ones.  We continue to hope and pray that we will have the blessing of having your sweet brothers and sisters join our family and stay in our home.  We know that you are looking out for them, and hopefully us.  I am trying little ones to find peace some how.  I think it is slowly coming.  Some days i am doing really good (or at least am busy enough to feel that way) and some days i am really sad and lonely, and others i am still very angry at what feels like injustice and an unfair situation.  I know that I am blessed well beyond what I deserve, and i know that my trials have been relatively few compared to that of many others, but seeing how easy children come to others and knowing how desperately I wanted you, its hard not to think its not fair.... but little ones, I am trying.   Please know that even though I have a very long road before I get there, I am trying to take a step at a time and move forward, but i will forever be longing for you.  I love you boys with all my heart!  Please help your poor mama.

February 8 2010

My Precious Little Boys

Please forgive your momma. I am beyond lost and need you to help me find my way. I created this blog to write letters to you and to share my feelings and here I am struggling to do just that. It amazes me how difficult this really is. Not just losing you, i knew that would be beyond the hardest thing I have ever gone through, but how hard it is just to express my feelings outside of my head, even when it is just to the two of you. I talk to you all the time, but its secret and safe inside my head and doesnt make me feel as crazy as I do when it is written out on paper. Everyone says I am allowed to be crazy and justified in my feelings, but I have never felt this lost before and even though I do think it is justified, it is hard to imagine the road back to "normal". Some days I feel ok. I have gone several days without crying and having a "bad day" but then other days it just hits me.

Last week it was 2 months since your birth. I cant believe that you have been gone from my arms and from my world for that long already. Part of me is glad that time is moving quickly, because the quicker eternity comes and I can hold you both in my arms again, the better!!! But part of me is sad at the little progress I have made in two months. I know two months is not a lot of time, but i still feel as lost as the day i lost you both! I am trying though, I promise I am.... I am just not getting very far yet.

Today some news came that let a little glimmer of light shine through the immense clouds that have hung in my heart for the past few months. I definitely have mixed feelings, but the greatest feeling I have is gratitude.... gratitude for a loving Heavenly Father, whom I know despite everything that has happened, does love me and does have a plan for me, even though that plan is not what I had planned. I am hoping that this news will help me to start to be able to take baby steps forward toward healing, but I know will also fill my heart with more anxiety, and confusion as well. Help me little ones. Help me to find the light, and to focus on that rather than the doom and gloom that surrounds me. I know that you are in a much better place. i know that you are free from the evils, pains and heartaches of this world and for that I am grateful. I hope that you will help our family to heal and to move forward. Help me find peace, so I can find you. Until that day, I will always be your mama and will always be dreaming of you. I love you boys so much!

Love
Mom