To my precious little boys,
My heart is so heavy and full of broken dreams. There is so much I wish I could have said to you, so much I wish we could have done. I just dont know where to start, and dont know if I have the strength. Many people have said that we are so brave for going through this trial, I am not brave... I am beyond weak. I have never had to go through something so devastating and gut wrenching as saying goodbye to you beautiful boys. we had fasted and prayed and dreamed for you to join our family. We were very intimidated when we found out you both were coming at the same time, but were overjoyed to think of the joy and happiness you both would bring to our home. For the short 6 months we knew of you, you did bring so much joy. But the lost hopes and dreams and empty arms brought many many tears as well. i was trying to prepare for the challenges of raising two little trouble maker boys, but could never have prepared for the crushing blow of losing that opportunity. I am trying to heal, and I am trying to dream of the future but honestly little ones, my heart just breaks every time of think of how things should have been. I see every little baby and every pregnant women and my heart just breaks all over again missing you and wishing i could just hold you in my arms and tell you how much I love you, how much I need you, and how much I wish you were here. I keep hoping that I am going to open my eyes and this all will have been a terrible nightmare, and I will still be pregnant and still be awaiting your arrival. That is one of the hideous parts of this whole experience, you are not even supposed to be here yet. I should still be pregnant with you and be finishing up all the plans for your upcoming arrival, instead of visiting a cemetery plot and trying to find the strength to try to get pregnant again.
This blog is my attempt to still parent you. You let you know how much I absolutely love you and terribly miss you. I hoping that by writing you letters, I can somehow find some semblance of peace. I was sent this quote in an effort to bring comfort to me...."The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."
My heart is so heavy and full of broken dreams. There is so much I wish I could have said to you, so much I wish we could have done. I just dont know where to start, and dont know if I have the strength. Many people have said that we are so brave for going through this trial, I am not brave... I am beyond weak. I have never had to go through something so devastating and gut wrenching as saying goodbye to you beautiful boys. we had fasted and prayed and dreamed for you to join our family. We were very intimidated when we found out you both were coming at the same time, but were overjoyed to think of the joy and happiness you both would bring to our home. For the short 6 months we knew of you, you did bring so much joy. But the lost hopes and dreams and empty arms brought many many tears as well. i was trying to prepare for the challenges of raising two little trouble maker boys, but could never have prepared for the crushing blow of losing that opportunity. I am trying to heal, and I am trying to dream of the future but honestly little ones, my heart just breaks every time of think of how things should have been. I see every little baby and every pregnant women and my heart just breaks all over again missing you and wishing i could just hold you in my arms and tell you how much I love you, how much I need you, and how much I wish you were here. I keep hoping that I am going to open my eyes and this all will have been a terrible nightmare, and I will still be pregnant and still be awaiting your arrival. That is one of the hideous parts of this whole experience, you are not even supposed to be here yet. I should still be pregnant with you and be finishing up all the plans for your upcoming arrival, instead of visiting a cemetery plot and trying to find the strength to try to get pregnant again.
This blog is my attempt to still parent you. You let you know how much I absolutely love you and terribly miss you. I hoping that by writing you letters, I can somehow find some semblance of peace. I was sent this quote in an effort to bring comfort to me...."The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."
~Joseph B. Wirthlin
I believe the words of our prophets and apostles. I have to believe them. It is the only thing that gives me any type of hope. I have to dream of the day when I will be able to scoop you both up into my arms and smother you with all the love that I am dying to give you now. I am very grateful for the blessings of the gospel and for the gift of a family that is sealed for eternity, but eternity feels so very far away. I will keep dreaming of that day and hope I can find the strength to be strong enough and good enough to be worthy to join with you precious boys in the eternities. Until that beautiful and glorious day... I will be loving you and missing you always.
No comments:
Post a Comment