The lanterns

My sweet little boys.  You have been on my mind so much lately.  My heart is rejoicing over the hopes of finally getting to bring a baby home, but at the same time, it makes my heart yearn even more for the things that we missed not having you.  I am watching the moving Tangled.  In it, the King and Queen realize lanterns each year on the birthday of the missing princess.  The artists in the movie depicted such sadness on the King's face, that this time, it really hit me.  My heart is still sad.  It still yearns so much for you.  I know it always will, even through the happy things in life. The lanterns that they lit, reminded me of the balloons we release on you birthday.  I realized in the movie, they were morning the 18 years she had been gone and I realized how hard those special birthdays would be.  The days when we realize that you should have started school, you should have been baptised, you should have started driving and then graduating, and serving missions, etc.  I just miss you both so much.  I know its a stupid movie, but it really hit me this time (even though I have watched it a million times).  It makes me so very grateful for eternal families!!!  And now we have a new reason to be grateful for families.  You both are going to be big brothers.  Everything in this adoption has truly fallen into place as it is supposed to.  I am sure that our little guardian angels up there (you) are helping to move the pieces into place.  I am so grateful for the gift you were and are in my life, but I miss you so much!  Help me to be strong.  Help me to be a good mother.  I miss you so much and I love you so much!

Always in my heart.

missing you so much

My sweet boys, I dont know what my problem is, but life has been much harder to bare without you lately. I have been missing you an awful lot, and the continuation of our lack of children has been outright hideous. It seems like everyone in our ward and other friends and families are pregnant and/or having children. I had a bad breakdown during church last week. I seriously cried the entire time. I have felt so lonely. Even your poor father simply cannot understand my heartache. I must appear so crazy to others and even I sometimes feel that I might go crazy with my desire, with envy and with the need to be a mother. I do have continue to say however, that despite my loneliness, I know that Heavenly Father has not left me alone. Last week during church as I was sitting there sobbing, our sweet little friend Rylee (who is 3 years old) was sitting there playing with your dad. She loves him so much and generally doesnt really pay much attention to me when he is around. She came up to me and asked to be picked up and just snuggled me for like 20 minutes. She didnt move or wiggle or want to get down. She just hugged me and let me hold her. It was incredibly sweet and truly touched my heart. But it also reminded me how much my arms long for a little one to hold; a child to help me to feel more complete, especially at times when I am missing you so much! No one can ever replace you, no one can ever take your place, but I desire children with all my heart and soul. It is my greatest want and need. I love you little boys so very much. I miss you so very much. Lets hope your poor mother doesnt go crazy between now and sweet eternity when I can hold you again. Be good my sweet boys. All my love.