missing you so much

My sweet boys, I dont know what my problem is, but life has been much harder to bare without you lately. I have been missing you an awful lot, and the continuation of our lack of children has been outright hideous. It seems like everyone in our ward and other friends and families are pregnant and/or having children. I had a bad breakdown during church last week. I seriously cried the entire time. I have felt so lonely. Even your poor father simply cannot understand my heartache. I must appear so crazy to others and even I sometimes feel that I might go crazy with my desire, with envy and with the need to be a mother. I do have continue to say however, that despite my loneliness, I know that Heavenly Father has not left me alone. Last week during church as I was sitting there sobbing, our sweet little friend Rylee (who is 3 years old) was sitting there playing with your dad. She loves him so much and generally doesnt really pay much attention to me when he is around. She came up to me and asked to be picked up and just snuggled me for like 20 minutes. She didnt move or wiggle or want to get down. She just hugged me and let me hold her. It was incredibly sweet and truly touched my heart. But it also reminded me how much my arms long for a little one to hold; a child to help me to feel more complete, especially at times when I am missing you so much! No one can ever replace you, no one can ever take your place, but I desire children with all my heart and soul. It is my greatest want and need. I love you little boys so very much. I miss you so very much. Lets hope your poor mother doesnt go crazy between now and sweet eternity when I can hold you again. Be good my sweet boys. All my love.